Ever felt you were living on a merry go round, as if every day was the same, nothing new had changed, trying to save for that dream house, go on that dream holiday, buy those new clothes, constantly trying look as good as you did on your wedding day? That was me, I was trying to be that person for a long time.
My life has been transformed, it’s not unique, and no it was not life threating, I do believe my life was over and well, we all deal with life experiences in different ways.
I believe that if my story has an impact on even one life, whether that be from the way they feel, to reach a place of self-love, to have a healthier lifestyle, or just knowing when to ask for help, then this is worth my time.
WHEN I THOUGHT I WAS HAPPY
My life before with my now ex-husband comes walking into my life, I fell hard, and I became the skinniest I have had ever been, I went from a size 14 to a size 6, and I still didn’t think I looked good (hello thunder thighs)
I guess you could say in most people’s eyes that I had it all; someone who I thought who loved me, a son, great friends and family, a house, a dog, an investment portfolio, a good job and had been well travelled. Truthfully, my ex-husband and we struggled with fertility and spent six long years attending appointments, seeing specialists, focusing on different eating programs, looking after ourselves, acupuncture, lots of injections and tears, all in an attempt of starting a family. We turned to IVF, and it consumed me. I mean its most women’s dream right to have a child. I eventually gave up and started to believe having children was an unattainable dream. I realised I had to focus on something else.
Although I had a good job, it didn’t make me happy, I had no purpose except for helping the rich become richer and greedier, so I started to look elsewhere. I have always been into fitness; I spent many hours at the gym doing classes, running, boxing, whatever cardio fad was in at the time. I started studying Certificate IV in Fitness and knew this was the right career path for me; we even built a monster of a shed so I could see my clients from it. Nine months into my study I found out I was pregnant! We were thrilled! Throughout my pregnancy, I struggled with fatigue and nausea and couldn’t keep up with the study, so I had in my head postponed it.
Just like lots of new Mums, I didn’t prioritise myself, but I walked when I could. I cancelled my gym membership to save money and became a stereotypical housewife and Mum. I learnt how to be a Mum, managed demands at work and what I thought was maintained a marriage while my ex-worked FIFO. My priorities were making sure everyone around me was happy.…. But I ended up lost!
LIFE CHANGED IN AN INSTANT
It took us years to build what we had and it took a single instant to change everything. One minute I’m playing happy families organising holidays next minute walking into Centrelink wiping the tears from my face trying to work out how to stop my home from going on the market and saving my dog from being put down.
I can sit here and tell you my ex is an asshole and I am the innocent party, if you have the opportunity to speak with him I’m sure he will say the opposite. Yes, I was cheated on and left for the other person, the marriage was over, we are not amicable and only communicate regarding our son.
All of a sudden I cared more what people thought of me, how much of a failure I was and back to self-loathing like my high school years.
There was a lot of self-sabotage that including drinking, bad, bad food and more. I went away, worked out what I wanted my life to look like and immediately on returning home I leapt straight back into my health and fitness and ultimately my past is history.
And this is just the beginning, these past three years have been one hell of a ride, and lost EVERYTHING, my dignity, self-respect, some family, friends, my dog, my home, have been threatened with bankruptcy, mental abuse, got made redundant without receiving a payout after working for a company for 10 yrs and ultimately lost my boy to his father as he just wanted his dad.
There have been days where I fall flat on my face, get back up and 5seconds later do the exact same thing. I will say this, I’m extremely lucky to have some people that have stuck by me through it all. I have also come across some remarkably inspiring people along the way who have helped me find my way through the mist of it all, for this, I am forever grateful and I do randomly tell these people.
There are so many times; I have wanted to give up especially this last three months as in my head I have no one to do this for because my son doesn’t need me. Well fuck me, YES I DO!!!!!! Myself.
Why not be unstoppable? There have been times where I have had to act instinctively and without hesitation, call it a mothers tuition, I am not sure. For myself and for my son to be the best version of me, what does that mean? Nothing is enough, I am not talking about having everything money can buy…..I don’t want it and I certainly don’t need it. It’s having a healthy, happy lifestyle, the ability to do what others can’t and if you can’t keep going until you can.
Starting my own business, turning my life upside down is no easy task but when I had people contacting me asking to help them train at the gym and had people ringing me for support and offloading about their life, helping people is what I’m supposed to.
So let go of the past, learn from it and lets empty that glass together. We will fill it from scratch, we will start over right now. Break the mental barrier, as our bodies can do anything its the mind we have to change and I want to do
who’s with me, bring on 2019